Firstly I apologise to any of my current facebook friends if you are any of the following stereotypes. Second thoughts…you better delete me before I delete you :)

• My Amazing Life!

Stereotype: Has the most amazing boyfriend / girlfriend. Just been away with for the week because they got time away from their fantastic jobs.

Likely Facebook Status: Just got back from – shark riding / dodo petting  /  Big Ben abseiling trip. Had a great time. Weather was fantastic.

What they really mean to say: I’m a far superior person to you. Your life pales in comparison. Your lucky I even let you know about my adventures.

Reasons for behaviour: Suffers from the grass is greener or small todger syndrome. Impressing everyone is key. Too much time on their hands.

• Captain Cryptic

Stereotype: Writes whimsical or depressive texts that need an English degree and good crossword skills to figure out.

Likely facebook status: Saturday turned out to be less than I expected. OR. Maybe he will not carry on this way.

What they really mean: Help me. Talk to me. I’m spiralling into my own belly button and need someone to drag me out.

Reasons for behaviour: Overly sensitive, Uber – thoughtful navel gazer. Easily offended.

• Weekend Warrior

Stereotype: It’s all about the weekend, the build up to it (counting the days even), reporting the weekend in real time, then discussing the weekend afterwards.

Likely facebook status: Can’t wait for the weekend! Only four days to go! Getting smashed this weekend. Got smashed this weekend. Can’t wait for the weekend. Repeat.

Reasons for behaviour: Possible alcoholic. Hates their job. Not a lot else going on in their lives.

• My Child Is My Life

Stereotype: Posts pictures of the ugliest kid you’ve ever seen, with a face only it’s mother could love in a thousand different poses.

Likely facebook status: Just got Petal off to sleep, only four stories and three songs tonight. OR. Little Jimmy pooped himself and smeared it all over the walls. Such a cherub.

Reasons for behaviour: Housewife / husband in crisis and living life through their children.

• Serial Spammer

Stereotype: Constant drip feed of rubbish videos or funny emails. Shows everyone 2005’s best joke videos.

Likely facebook status: Seen this? – Cat back flipping / Motorbike accident / Baby swearing Video, it’s hilarious.

Reasons for behaviour: They are sharing their gift. Not content with emailing en masse, they now have the ability to share there unique comedy genius with you via facebook. Lucky you.

• Crazy Guy / Gal

Stereotype: Funny joke or philosophical quote as a status update.

Likely facebook status: People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a stand up comedian. They’re not laughing now. (Bob Monkhouse).

Reasons for behaviour: This is the sort of person who would quote Monty Python or Red Dwarf until you thought you wanted to kill John Cleese.

• Hardcore Facebook Veteran

Stereotype: Every quiz, application, present, hug, prod and poke has come your way because of this idiot.

Likely facebook status: Have you tried the relationship, movie, dog breed, mood quiz? I have just scored 1 bazillion points on car league puzzler 2.

Reasons for behaviour: Who knows. They must click everything they ever see. Popups are gold for these lunatics.

• Txt Spkr

Stereotype: Spks txt all v tym.

Likely facebook status: “Jst bn wtchng gr8 vid ov Frnz Frdnd”. – I have just watched a particularly good video made by pop group Franz Ferdinand.

Reasons for behaviour: I’m sure they aren’t all illiterate chimps. Text speak is short so you can get more words in when texting and be a little lazier with your spelling. (Go on find the mistakes in this article :)) Why it translates over to Facebook – god knows or gd knws? Must be cool. As I’m no longer “down with the kids” I hesitate to guess.

Anybody like to admit who they are? I think I’m Serial Spammer but my friends may tell me different. Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

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